better than you

Do this:

Get a gallon of Cholula and a pineapple. Cut the fruit into large slab like pieces and cover with the hot sauce. Marinate for a while. Grill it. Shove it in your face. Everyday forever.

(my boyfriend’s response to hearing that quote was “congrats to him for being a human being. now where is he so I can punch him in the dick just in case he’s a liar as well as an idiot.”)

Story time

Once upon a time I had a kinda thing for this girl and sometimes we did things that more than friends do but we were only friends and I was actually totally okay with that I’m just a selfish asshole. And there was this guy who had a definite thing for same said girl. In his overly romantic (but not as overt as he thought) way he professed his interest in that amazing girl and I, in my infinite selfishness, told him I wasn’t yet done with my desires that I knew were leading nowhere. He, for some reason or another, respected that declaration and ended his pursuit. That beautiful girl with the perfect ass and endearing personality went on to reconnect with the guy she had loved for most of her life and today they got married. They are amazing and perfect and there is no couple better suited for a life with each other except for me and my boyfriend. True fact. Anyway. That other guy walked into the bar that the post wedding party was taking place in tonight and there learned of the nuptials he was previously not aware were even remotely a possibility. He reminded me of my words from over two years ago and I apologized. But then. Then! He sang that Toadies song, Possum Kingdom, which he knew was the ultimate panty wetting anthem for her and me back in the day while two handed flipping me off and I decided that every decision I made that lead to that moment was exactly right, would do again. So I sang my little black heart out and danced with my boyfriend and he went home alone. The end.

And the lord spake upon me

taxchurchesfundnasa:

So. I’m with this bridal party. Just met rhw groom, but he seems awesome. This gosling castoff wannabe Blondie hufflepuff cocksucker is next to me. Wanna dickplant my junk on his mouth. It’s terrible. He’s an ass of magnitude and not pop pop. FML

Best drunk tumblr ever. Thalia is married now. The world weeps in joy and sadness.

It is decided

All of my friends need to get married like every other week.

At a bachelorette party

And I’m having a lot of feelings that basically boil down to I miss vegas.

Vegas seems like it was made for me.

I went more than a year without migraines and it was awesome but it seems that time has ended because I’m stuck at work having to walk around with one eye closed, holding my head still with my hands because I’m afraid if I move it I will puke, desperately wishing everyone would shut the fuck up.